Confessions of a frustrated writer

We all go through different phrases in life. I’ve been a performer, a poet, a musician, a film-maker, a vocalist and an adventurer- but despite this I still don’t know what I want. You never really think that you would be where you are today do you? (unless your a lucky individual or just destined for fame) When I first received a conditional offer to study Communications and Media from Bournemouth University I was excited to say the least. The thought of no busy-rush of the city, the breathtaking beaches and South West Sun- what more could a girl want! The idea that I could go to one of the best Universities for Media and get a degree in something I was actually interested. But I didn’t think that I had the slightest chance. My GCSE results were average, apart from the A and B in English and I was studying a BTEC National Diploma in Media Production (something that I had never even taken before college). I had an insecure, pessimistic and self degrading attitude that just would not shift.

After leaving home at 16 and moving into a hostel, life changed for me dramatically. The once prim and proper former private school girl was now delving into a world that was unimaginable- real life. I never really got on with my dad back then; we didn’t see eye to eye and there was too much “water under the bridge” in both of our eyes. My mum passed away when I was 12 years old and my brother got kicked out soon after. This left me with a man that did not really know me and I just did not care.

Many people say that you haven’t lived till you’ve reach this age or have experience this and that. In my opinion you haven’t lived until you’ve seen the real world. Experienced the good and the bad times, seen the good and the bad in people, found yourself in situations that you would never imagine before but be able to not judge. Instead of being able to avoid confrontation and with drug and crime affiliated people I was now in the midst of it. When I first heard that I would be put into a hostel I automatically thought of a dingy crack infested hell hole full of unpleasant individuals. I was so closed minded…

The set out of the hostel con sited of six flats on two floors which had either 2 or 3 bedrooms. Each had a bathroom, kitchen, and living room and outside there was a garden which was used to chill or have barbecues. Surprisingly this was a good time in my life.  During my time living in the hostel I met many different kinds of people from different kinds of backgrounds, each with their own different stories. Instead of the minor problems that my friends had these individuals were facing situations and problems that I would not wish on anyone.

When I was little my mother used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I couldn’t answer, I didn’t know. Most kids dream of being astronauts, princesses or footballers but the things that fascinated me involved investigating and of course the TV. Sometimes I feel as if I know exactly what I want though in an instinct this can be taken away from me. One thing I know is that one day I want to travel the world and meet different people.

The quote that has always stuck in my head is”The greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return”. In my eyes this really is the greatest thing. The key to life is to find happiness- no matter what it is important that in yourself you are happy and in turn happiness will find you. Some experiences can make a person react in many different ways be it rage, depression, anxiety or joy. I never was able to get on with my dad until I was able to accept the fact he is the way he is and that he would never change his stubbornness. After I was able to do this I saw over the years the change in my relationship with him and the change in both of us as people.

We all have our problems in life and anxieties of our situations. Life is a journey, a path that we begin when we are born. But the path is like an obstacle course which has temptation and negatively which can cause us to go off-course. I believe that the path to our life is in a way already drawn out but we get distracted by ideologies of society and stereotypical mindsets. Through my 19 years of life I have experienced many different things which has moulded me to become the person that I am today. I have learnt to love and to trust, to listen and to understand, to hate and to feel hatred and to feel pain and to get stronger. Yet I still don’t know my purpose.

The thing is no one really knows what they really want from life. I don’t know where i’ll end up, where life will take me. I could go anywhere I really wanted and have the chance to experience meeting much more different types of people. I could end up in a career that I never imagined myself to be in due to the struggle to be able to earn a decent wage. Life is a mysterious thing. We all grow up with dreams and ambitions, a path that we want to pursue. But the bigger picture is we are all stuck in a bubble controlled by our own society and social ideologies. Let your mind be free.

Quotes:

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be – Marcel Pagnol

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional – Anon

You are not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor should you feel the world must live up to yours – F Perl

 People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos, is because things are being loved, and people are being used.- Anon

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