Uncertainty

After an hour of sitting in the same place and position, caught up in a million thoughts whizzing through your head, there is going to be a point when the penny drops…

There are so many unanswered questions. Queries about life, about me, about sense or even logic.

Is it possible to feel a million different things at once but to feel so empty at the same time?

When I was growing up, I never expected my life to turn out the way it did. Starting life living in a not so bad 4 bedroom house in the North London felt like a dream. I was in an area that was not that far from an underground and the town so in that way travel was good. But I was also in the middle of fields and forests.

Whenever I was bored, I would get my bike and ride down to the end of my road. There was a rocky road which led to the farmers fields where the horses were. That was my place. With my friends, we would go on rides, walks, adventures and explore for hours. Lost in a bliss.

Everything was so spontaneous and carefree, it was my escape.

As you get older, things gradually start to change. After my mum passed away, everything was so different.  Having to change from an all girl’s private school to a public school where the kids thought they “ran things”. Not only a change of environment but that was when I also changed as a person.

I adapted to a different way of life and got on with things, continuously finding new ways to try to block out how I really felt about things. There is going to come a point when everything that you block out is going to creep up on you unless you confront them.

I have met so many different people, had good and bad experiences and I am still constantly changing. I don’t know where I’m going to be in 10 years time but so what? That is the beauty of life. It’s starts like an empty page and along the way you make decisions which write your story. The mistakes that I have made during my process has made me into the person that I am today.

Throughout all the uncertainty, one thing remains sure. Who you are. This journey has not even begun yet but somewhere inside there is a strong feeling of urge. The urge to actually get up and do something. On my about me on my Facebook page there is a quote that I wrote on MySpace 4 years ago:

“There’s nothing special about me.
I can never be perfect – no one can.
I don’t mind who likes me or dislikes me. It’s your decision.
My mind is constantly changing and so am I.
One day something seems right to me and the next day it’s wrong.
Dont judge me by the mistakes I make.
I learn from them.”

It’s funny how I’m still learning.

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