How to spot if you’re in an abusive relationship

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. About a year to be exact. So much has happened and changed since then, myself most likely included.

Flicking through the Internet for birthday present ideas and how to actually make things by hand, I discovered a cute site about a month ago. A site where you can sign up and just post stories, blog posts, advice, or whatever you want. Where you can create your own little mini series of editorial (um, so basically blogging?)

This post is the only one I managed to write on the app so far, but thought it would be worth sharing considering previous content posted here. I hope that this helps anyone in this situation.

How to spot if you’re in an abusive relationship

You would think that it would be easy to identify that you’re in an abusive relationship.

But sometimes abuse isn’t as obvious as you would think it is. Though some abuse is physical and leave signs, sometimes this isn’t how it starts.

 

TRUST ISSUES AND JEALOUSY

Emotional abuse is one of the major signs that you’re in an abusive relationship.

This can be extremely difficult to spot and come to terms with, especially if your relationship is new and you’re still getting to know each other.

 

Jealousy and issues trusting are signs that your partner may have abusive traits.

When your partner starts to accuse you of cheating or lying, this paranoia is sometimes because they themselves are guilty of this and they are trying to control and manipulate you.

HE HATES YOUR FRIENDS

Turning you against your friends (even if he hasn’t met them yet) is a form of trying to separate you from the ones who care about you. If you’re friends aren’t in the picture then it’s easier for your partner to isolate you and for no one to interfere in your relationship.

This means that you will turn to him for advice that you would normally get from a friend and is another way of trying to emotionally manipulate you to trust him.

NAME-CALLING AND THREATS

When you’re in a healthy relationship, you and your partner will have respect for one another and won’t want to hurt each other. Name-calling is another way of breaking down confidence and once you have isolated yourself, is a very detrimental form of abuse as it destroys confidence and makes you think you are what they say you are.

 

If your boyfriend calls you a “liar” or a “slut” or any other terms like “stupid” for long enough – you will start to believe it and can lead to you questioning if you are crazy or paranoid.

 

You know yourself so sometimes if you think that you aren’t being treated right then go with your gut.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR

Telling you what to wear, what to do, or how to act are signs of controlling behaviour.

Psychologically, partners who abuse are normally people who have controlling traits of behaviour.

 

In some cases, the abuser has become this way because they have their own inner demons and may have been abused in the past so have now taken on the role of the bully.

After exposure to pro-longed control, the victim will look to their partner for permission to do things and are scared of what will happen if they don’t.

EMOTIONAL TRAUMA

 

Normally the victim of the abuse can’t even see what is happening to them.

You may have experienced this yourself personally or by seeing this happen to a friend.

The victim is blind to the abuse and starts to come up with excuses or lies for their partner to try and protect them from any scrutiny.

 

This can lead to falling out with friends if your friends are trying to break you apart.

Emotional trauma from domestic abuse can really alter the personality of the victim, resulting in paranoia, anxiety, depression, and other psychological factors.

BLAMING AND SHAMING

 

As well as accusing you for things that you know that you didn’t do, it is common for abusive partners to blame you for things (especially things that they did wrong).

For example, if you confront your partner about cheating they could blame you for leading them to be unfaithful which results in the victim feeling as if they are worthless and everything is their fault.

 

The abuser will normally find it very hard to take responsibility for what they have done and to apologise for their wrongdoing.

LACK OF EMPATHY

If you feel like no matter how depressed you may be or look, your partner just doesn’t care or notice – this may be because they lack empathy. Empathy is when you are able to understand and feel compassion. When this is lacking then it is clear that the person doesn’t care enough.

SPEAK UP AGAINST DOMESTIC ABUSE

 

These are only a few of the signs to help you spot if you’re in an abusive relationship.

When it starts to become physical or sexual abuse, although it seems more obvious about what is happening, the victim can usually be blind to this as well (because they are in denial).

 

If you or anyone you know are a victim of abuse it can be hard to get out of the relationship due to fears, but from experience it can be done.

 

Do you have any advice or essential points to add?

Battling Minds

She’s pissed off with you again.

What do you do?

Do you ignore her frustration – brush it off lightly whilst you try and indulge yourself in escapism to block your thoughts of this reality?

Or do you approach and try?

Knowing that your blocked – nothing you say or do will have an effect on her decision.

You go for the easy option…

Leave her be whilst you wait for her to decide to make the first move.

Inside you know you’ve made the wrong choice.

She’s had enough.

“There’s no point,” she says to herself. “He just let you slip away.”

Whilst he tries to distract himself from his fear of reality, brokenhearted – she walks away.

Women Like Bad Boys

I find that although I complain that I go for the wrong types of men, I just can’t seem to stop.

When I look at my male friends, I realise that they actually represent the types of guys that I would want to be with. They’re my friends for a reason, because I’ve seen traits in them that have allowed me to trust them and build a friendship.

If I put that much effort into finding the right type of friends, then it’s clear that the same has to be done with relationships.

I’m young, I’m still learning and I don’t care that I’m single. Everyday is an opportunity to meet new people, to learn something new and develop more of an understanding of the world.

All the pain that I’ve allowed for myself? Call it my wake up call.

New Year, New Approach

You know that you love someone when you would do anything for them to make them happy. But when this feeling isn’t reciprocated, the months go by and although you’ve been together for so long – there still seems to be something missing.

I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years. That’s the longest time that I have ever bothered to stay with someone.

“Bothered” – now that’s certainly when you know…

When you spend months in a relationship fighting for it to work and putting in so much effort, the least you would expect is for the other person to try as well.

But when they don’t and you’re fooling yourself into thinking they truly do care and everything will change – you’re lying to yourself to justify your actions to yourself, not others.

I greeted the New Year with my partner, but my excitement for the coming year was shadowed by a reality that has always been quite clear.

Months of comparing my own relationship to others and moaning about how I want to be treated should have told me that I wasn’t happy. But the love that I have for this guy blinded that.

It wasn’t until the second day into the New Year that I realised I needed out.

“How do you expect him to respect you, when you’re not even respecting yourself?”

They were right. How can you expect someone to respect you if you’re not respecting your own feelings and needs?

I don’t do resolutions, but I do promise to think about myself first for once.

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Simply Speech xo.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating (For Guys)

The platform of meeting and being able to exchange private messages with people all over the world has become much more accessible.

To some, online dating has made it easier for them to express themselves and open up, while others have been left feeling the negative side of cyber dating, even including stories of stalking.

With the era of multi-screens and smartphones, we are all using apps which have made accessibility a whole lot easier. Dating apps likes POF and Tinder have given The Player’s a platform to seek (or fish) in an easier and more cost effective way. I’m not saying that genuine guys don’t use dating apps as well, but the amount of people that have headed to these types of apps to look for a bit of fun has meant that looking for a genuine guy has got a whole lot harder.

From experience, here are my tips for trying to approach a girl online:

 

1. Don’t post a naked picture. Disgusting.

2. Actually try and start a conversation, don’t just say “hi”.

3. If they have one, read their profile. If they don’t, be weary.

4. Post a full picture of your face, don’t let do a half-face selfie (it’s generally annoying).

5. Be yourself. If you secure a date after you’ve over exaggerated, how do you expect to lie once you’ve met them?

6. Ask questions, you’ll get them to know them better and they’ll see your interested in actually having a conversation.

7. Don’t be a creep. Bombarding someone with messages is weird. Don’t let the fact that you’re behind the comfort of your screen make you forget that obsessing is off-putting.

8. Girls like funny guys.

9. Don’t be too nice. It’s really really scary.

10. Try not to speak about your ex.

 

Thanks for reading my tips on the Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating For Guys. If you’ve had any experience with online dating sites/apps, what do you think could be added?

 

My Heart’s Pact

While I might not know the answer to many of my questions,

While you might not see me shatter when my world comes crashing down,

Everyday I’m learning that life is an array of lessons,

And even though your learning, you’ll sometimes be the clown.

I believe in collecting memories, no matter how big or small.

I believe in sharing laughter, love and take comfort in all joys around.

But one important thing I ought to believe and ensure I take due care.

No one should be treated with less love or respect than which they share.

 

Quick Update on Trust

So after finally being given my partners social media log ins I found out that the long awaited truth.

My gut was correct yet again and now I’m starting to feel like I should trust my intuition a bit more.

From the beginning of the relationship alarm bells were ringing as I quickly discovered that just like another ex, J was a compulsive liar. Over a year down the line I have managed to find out that my theory was indeed right.

Tip: If you get a gut feeling, don’t ignore it. Your feeling might turn out to be correct down the line, leaving the time for you to get more emotionally attached.

This time I decided to go with the smart option and delete him out of my life.

We’ll just have to see what the future holds and hope that I can keep on ignoring the urge to give in and reach out.