How to spot if you’re in an abusive relationship

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. About a year to be exact. So much has happened and changed since then, myself most likely included.

Flicking through the Internet for birthday present ideas and how to actually make things by hand, I discovered a cute site about a month ago. A site where you can sign up and just post stories, blog posts, advice, or whatever you want. Where you can create your own little mini series of editorial (um, so basically blogging?)

This post is the only one I managed to write on the app so far, but thought it would be worth sharing considering previous content posted here. I hope that this helps anyone in this situation.

How to spot if you’re in an abusive relationship

You would think that it would be easy to identify that you’re in an abusive relationship.

But sometimes abuse isn’t as obvious as you would think it is. Though some abuse is physical and leave signs, sometimes this isn’t how it starts.

 

TRUST ISSUES AND JEALOUSY

Emotional abuse is one of the major signs that you’re in an abusive relationship.

This can be extremely difficult to spot and come to terms with, especially if your relationship is new and you’re still getting to know each other.

 

Jealousy and issues trusting are signs that your partner may have abusive traits.

When your partner starts to accuse you of cheating or lying, this paranoia is sometimes because they themselves are guilty of this and they are trying to control and manipulate you.

HE HATES YOUR FRIENDS

Turning you against your friends (even if he hasn’t met them yet) is a form of trying to separate you from the ones who care about you. If you’re friends aren’t in the picture then it’s easier for your partner to isolate you and for no one to interfere in your relationship.

This means that you will turn to him for advice that you would normally get from a friend and is another way of trying to emotionally manipulate you to trust him.

NAME-CALLING AND THREATS

When you’re in a healthy relationship, you and your partner will have respect for one another and won’t want to hurt each other. Name-calling is another way of breaking down confidence and once you have isolated yourself, is a very detrimental form of abuse as it destroys confidence and makes you think you are what they say you are.

 

If your boyfriend calls you a “liar” or a “slut” or any other terms like “stupid” for long enough – you will start to believe it and can lead to you questioning if you are crazy or paranoid.

 

You know yourself so sometimes if you think that you aren’t being treated right then go with your gut.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR

Telling you what to wear, what to do, or how to act are signs of controlling behaviour.

Psychologically, partners who abuse are normally people who have controlling traits of behaviour.

 

In some cases, the abuser has become this way because they have their own inner demons and may have been abused in the past so have now taken on the role of the bully.

After exposure to pro-longed control, the victim will look to their partner for permission to do things and are scared of what will happen if they don’t.

EMOTIONAL TRAUMA

 

Normally the victim of the abuse can’t even see what is happening to them.

You may have experienced this yourself personally or by seeing this happen to a friend.

The victim is blind to the abuse and starts to come up with excuses or lies for their partner to try and protect them from any scrutiny.

 

This can lead to falling out with friends if your friends are trying to break you apart.

Emotional trauma from domestic abuse can really alter the personality of the victim, resulting in paranoia, anxiety, depression, and other psychological factors.

BLAMING AND SHAMING

 

As well as accusing you for things that you know that you didn’t do, it is common for abusive partners to blame you for things (especially things that they did wrong).

For example, if you confront your partner about cheating they could blame you for leading them to be unfaithful which results in the victim feeling as if they are worthless and everything is their fault.

 

The abuser will normally find it very hard to take responsibility for what they have done and to apologise for their wrongdoing.

LACK OF EMPATHY

If you feel like no matter how depressed you may be or look, your partner just doesn’t care or notice – this may be because they lack empathy. Empathy is when you are able to understand and feel compassion. When this is lacking then it is clear that the person doesn’t care enough.

SPEAK UP AGAINST DOMESTIC ABUSE

 

These are only a few of the signs to help you spot if you’re in an abusive relationship.

When it starts to become physical or sexual abuse, although it seems more obvious about what is happening, the victim can usually be blind to this as well (because they are in denial).

 

If you or anyone you know are a victim of abuse it can be hard to get out of the relationship due to fears, but from experience it can be done.

 

Do you have any advice or essential points to add?

The Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating (For Guys)

The platform of meeting and being able to exchange private messages with people all over the world has become much more accessible.

To some, online dating has made it easier for them to express themselves and open up, while others have been left feeling the negative side of cyber dating, even including stories of stalking.

With the era of multi-screens and smartphones, we are all using apps which have made accessibility a whole lot easier. Dating apps likes POF and Tinder have given The Player’s a platform to seek (or fish) in an easier and more cost effective way. I’m not saying that genuine guys don’t use dating apps as well, but the amount of people that have headed to these types of apps to look for a bit of fun has meant that looking for a genuine guy has got a whole lot harder.

From experience, here are my tips for trying to approach a girl online:

 

1. Don’t post a naked picture. Disgusting.

2. Actually try and start a conversation, don’t just say “hi”.

3. If they have one, read their profile. If they don’t, be weary.

4. Post a full picture of your face, don’t let do a half-face selfie (it’s generally annoying).

5. Be yourself. If you secure a date after you’ve over exaggerated, how do you expect to lie once you’ve met them?

6. Ask questions, you’ll get them to know them better and they’ll see your interested in actually having a conversation.

7. Don’t be a creep. Bombarding someone with messages is weird. Don’t let the fact that you’re behind the comfort of your screen make you forget that obsessing is off-putting.

8. Girls like funny guys.

9. Don’t be too nice. It’s really really scary.

10. Try not to speak about your ex.

 

Thanks for reading my tips on the Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating For Guys. If you’ve had any experience with online dating sites/apps, what do you think could be added?

 

Quick Update on Trust

So after finally being given my partners social media log ins I found out that the long awaited truth.

My gut was correct yet again and now I’m starting to feel like I should trust my intuition a bit more.

From the beginning of the relationship alarm bells were ringing as I quickly discovered that just like another ex, J was a compulsive liar. Over a year down the line I have managed to find out that my theory was indeed right.

Tip: If you get a gut feeling, don’t ignore it. Your feeling might turn out to be correct down the line, leaving the time for you to get more emotionally attached.

This time I decided to go with the smart option and delete him out of my life.

We’ll just have to see what the future holds and hope that I can keep on ignoring the urge to give in and reach out.

 

The Element of Trust

Trust is something that a relationship is built on. It helps people to stay together through the good and the bad and creates a bond between two people who are able to communicate honestly and freely.

Although people say that trust and communication are the foundation of any relationship, what happens when you don’t have these essential elements?

It is easy for people to say that without trust, a relationship will fail. It certainly makes things a lot harder, but if two people love each other but still have no trust, does this necessarily mean the relationship will fail?

I read a very interesting post this morning which basically said that people are not perfect and it is up to you if you decide to lend your heart to another person.

As true as it this, if you decide to give your heart to someone and you both try your best to work on things, without trust, past issues can arise.

Many of my friends who are in relationships admit that in their minds they still have doubts about their partners. This is something that I too have much experience with.

Yet, if someone truly makes you happy and you find yourself always coming up with excuses why you should be together despite the element of trust – does that mean that you love them? And where does this leave trust?

 

Depression

Depression is something that can creep up on you.

One moment, a person can feel fine and the next they feel as if their whole world is breaking down.

One of the stupidest things that I ever heard in life, was for someone to say that they think depression is not real, that it is just an excuse.

Seeing someone that you love and care about change before your eyes isn’t something that you make up in your head. Seeing someone go through life, constantly battling to do even the simple things like popping out to the shops or even trying to crack a smile, is not something that is just imagined.

The strongest people in life, seem to have gone through stages of depression. A sadness so deep and a situation so complex or hurtful that on the surface some days may be alright and others are just unbearable.

Everyone knows what it feels like to be sad. But depression is something that you can’t just shift or brush off. Even if the person is alright for days, weeks or months, they still feel the same way. It’s been described as a feeling of emptiness. Feeling a void somewhere inside that needs to be filled by happiness.

The mind is indeed a powerful thing and it can affect us in many different ways.

Sometimes I think to myself that if I travel the world I will be able to find myself. But it is not possible to just run away from the void that you feel inside. Sometimes the only way that things can get better is to change a routine and to develop different habits of distraction.

In the past, this void would be filled by male attention. The feeling of being wanted by someone. But I no longer see the point in dating for the sake of it. Yes going on dates with different people is one way of building confidence but there is no point trying to rebound and to force yourself to get over one person by getting with another.

Despite everything that any of you readers are going through, remember that we make mistakes in order for us to learn from them. There is no such thing as a perfect person, so don’t beat yourself up for being a bit difficult.

Live, love, learn, appreciate,
aspire, achieve.

 

To Everyone Who Just Can’t Seem To Let Go…

Although we know that where there is a beginning there will surely be an end. For some of us, letting go is the hardest part of a break up.

After putting so much effort into something that you had so much trust in, seeing everything fall apart is the worst thing.

Despite seeing some of my closest friends going through the most unimaginable experiences with guys, a lot of us feel like we can’t remove ourselves from the situation.

Our hearts convince us that the relationship is something that we need. Something that we will not allow to walk out of our lives.

This type of dependency can be very destructive to even the strongest of people. Somewhere along the lines of trying to think with our heads, emotions switch on to sync mode and everything else follows.

“Head over heels in love”

This is exactly what we become. Consuming ourselves in something that we get so far into that there is no sign of hope of picking ourselves up again.

“Why do we do this to ourselves?” Some may think.

We are only human. We feel instincts and we take actions that result in consequences.

Deciding to the leave the guy who treated me so badly was the best thing I ever did. After that I felt free. Everyone deserves to be free. It is your life.

Spontaneity

Change of environments can really affect your mood. Even if it is a couple days in a small town far away. You will really feel the difference.

Moving from such a busy City to a small town was daunting but really worthwhile. The beautiful landscape of the South of England can really pull at your heart strings.

Fresh sea air and dazzling views really do count as a good escape. If you are ever feeling really down and want to do something different, why not take a small trip?

The stresses of life can make anyone feel as if they just want to bury themselves somewhere and not reappear, but why not get out and about?

Take a day out of your hectic life and do something spontaneous. Go on a hike in the country and relive your children, because life is too short to be too serious. What a better day to do it than a Sunday 😀